Reynolds and Dunn Results Positive in Dan Uggla Paternity Test

The most unremarkable news to surface during the start of the 2014 baseball season was the paternity test results proving that Mark Reynolds and Adam Dunn fathered Braves' second baseman, Dan Uggla. Released earlier this week, these results came as absolutely no surprise to anybody who pays attention to baseball. As one Braves fan said of Uggla, "Even a three-year-old who saw how many times that mother%*@(!$ struck out over the past three years could've put this together."

The DNA samples provided by Reynolds and Dunn indicated a toxic mixture of strikeouts and low batting average accompanied by strands of sudden home runs, all of which seem to have been passed on to their love child. This marks not only the first time that two major leaguers have fathered a child together, but also the first time a son has played professionally before his own dad as Uggla's debut was a full year before that of Reynolds.

When asked why he chose not to take either of his fathers' surnames, Uggla told the media that whether he hits a bomb or strikes out or strikes out or strikes out or strikes out he does so as his own man.

Papelbon Blows Save, Celebrates By Watching Major League II

Paprika walked in the winning run on six pitches in Wednesday's 4-3 loss to the Rangers.

Spin: This is Pap-Smear's first blown save this season, adding worry to fantasy owners concerned about last season's 29th-best conversion rate. The closer shrugged off those concerns as he watched Major League II on the flight to Chicago. "Does Rich Vaughn get concerned when he struggles in the beginning of the season? No." said Papier Mache. "Eventually he ditches the smoking-hot babe for that plain-Jane girl, gets his hair chopped, and adds the glasses for a finishing touch. And then they make the playoffs."

Fowler Opens The Heavenly Gates Of FowlerBalls

Fowler retreated to his spartan cabin in the woods where he exorcised the world during the All-Star game he should've been going 4 for 4 with 5 home runs in. The extra home run would've been for free.

Spin:

Fans missed seeing Fowler put on the hitting display of Willie Mays Hayes' dreams by electing not to elect him to the National League All-Star team. Sources say that the reason for this unsportsmanlike conduct was committed under the duress of the bus that is Bryce Harper. Intimidating voters into ignoring things like statistics and well-developed viewpoints, the bus that is Bryce Harper was seen driving around the country with Florida plates and a sack full of coercion. FowlerBalls made a full-fledged attempt at derailing the bus by eliciting Keanu Reeves' expertise only to find out that actors are only pretending to have the expertise they have in the films we watch. This left the bus that is Bryce Harper to continue at its reckless clip along the LA freeway and on across the country with nothing to answer for, not even the number of at-bats he had prior to being voted an All-Star (169? Seriously??).

Fowler took the repeat beating graciously, however, prompting theologians over the globe to accurately concur that God is, in fact, a forgiving God and not a condemning God. Fowler then reinforced this awareness by raising his palms to the sky, summoning a white light from the heavens, and proclaiming "Truly, truly, I say to you, let he who believes in me open the gates of FowlerBalls to other players with stories of merit." (Dexter 1:24)

And with this proclamation, Fowler has compassionately unlocked FowlerBalls in order for others to gain His glory. Such munificence perfectly defied the evil done unto Him by responding to this evil with acts of good will.

So instead of playing in the All-Star Game, Dexter Fowler spent his time undoing the devil.

FowlerBalls Visits Fowler at Nats Park, Captures Harper's Ghost

With FowlerBalls' support from the stands, Fowler got back on All-Star track Sunday against the Nats by going 2 for 4 with two runs scored.

Spin:

FowlerBalls was not the only presence in the stands on Sunday. With photographic proof, Bryce Harper's ghost was seen lurking ominously in centerfield as Fowler stood with his head bowed in meditative thought. Upon noticing this, members of FowlerBalls launched in action, drinking no less than ten beers apiece in order to reach a wavelength drunk enough to make communication with spirits actually possible (hence the reason liquor is also referred to as spirits). Once sufficiently belligerent, members of FowlerBalls confronted the ghost hovering over Fowler...

FowlerBalls:  We are the members of FowlerBalls and we demand to know the purpose of your presence! 

Ghost:  I am here to destroy Dexter Fowler so that he never gets the attention that he truly deserves.

FowlerBalls:  This will be impossible, Ghost, because we know who to call!  

Ghost (upon realizing):  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Right at that moment, Ray Parker Jr.'s classic theme song blasted over the loudspeakers as the Ghostbusters burst onto the scene donning Dexter Fowler jerseys and proton packs. Multiple streams struck Bryce Harper's ghost sending it into frighteningly fitful seizures until a trap was opened and the ghost was sent shrieking into permanent containment.

With Bryce Harper's ghost now writhing alongside the likes of Slimer, Gozer, and Zuul, Dexter Fowler will be free to be the ghostbuster that he is by going on a hitting binge that will show the world that Dexter Fowler is FOR REAL.  

Stamp that, bitch. 

Vote For Change Tour Revives, Plays In Support of Fowler

Fowler rested his banged up hand on Tuesday night, but the game against the Blue Jays was played anyhow.

Spin:

In unforeseen but quite felicitous news, an announcement hit the streets on early Tuesday afternoon informing the public that the Vote For Change Tour has been reignited due to "the outrageous injustice being done - probably by the GOP - to Dexter Fowler with regards to the lack of All-Star votes he has received." Several tour dates across the country have already been released with the likes of Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews Band, and a temporarily reunited R.E.M. filling most of the bills. "This feels like 2004 all over again. Voting was a sham and Scott Weiland was kicked out of STP," Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder remarked. Fowler, who remains absent from the top 15 vote-getters among NL Outfielders even though he ranks #7 statistically, was very touched by the support shown by such esteemed bands. "Personally, I'd rather go to one of these shows than to the All-Star game," Fowler stated. "Um ... Shin-Soo Choo and Gregor Blanco ... or Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen?"

The Vote For Change Revival Tour could have further repercussions as their final tour date coincides with the All-Star Game itself. This date, however, will only be played if the National League fails to place Fowler on its roster. But should this blatant iniquity somehow occur, the final tour date could drill a message straight into the heart of Major League baseball when fans bail on the All-Star game because they would rather witness a surprise appearance by Neil Young than see Marco Scutaro field a ground ball. 

Deceptive Dexter Deftly Deceives Canadian Customs

Fowler had a rough night at the plate, going 0 for 3 against a strong outing by Josh Johnson.

Spin: Fowler’s average dipped under .300 once again, but stands at an admirable .298. Still, he’s hitting .375 in his last 10 games and is due for a power surge, so expect him to bounce back tonight. Besides, his struggles at the plate can be traced to his troubles passing through customs in Canada. When asked, “Do you have anything to declare?” Fowler responded by borrowing a line from one of his favorite playwrights, Oscar Wilde. “I have nothing to declare except the 8 hits--2 doubles, 4 singles, and a triple--that I will have during this series against your Blue Jays,” said Dexter. Customs officials promptly confiscated his hits and the satchel of American bacon he had hidden under them, but Dexter had the last laugh. You see, it’s widely known that Canadians can’t count or spell well, so they failed to realize that Dexter neglected to declare 1 of his 8 hits--the homer that he will smash into the upper deck of the Rogers Centre (Center) tonight.

Fowler Patches Up Crack In Liberty Bell

Currently day-to-day from being hit on the hand by Ross Detweiler, Fowler did not play on Saturday against the Phillies and is likely to be out for Sunday's afternoon game as well.

Spin:

On a bright, blue-skied Saturday, the ever judicious Dexter Fowler elected to use his recovery time for the betterment of our great nation's first capital, Philadelphia. No, he did not use it to lay more cobblestone although that certainly was one of his top options. Instead, he chose to pluck his welding helmet and torch off his workbench in order to set about righting a bell that has been busted longer than Rocky's face. Donning none other than his Dickies work clothes, Fowler worked through the afternoon enduring heat not in the form of sun, but in the form of slurs, insults, and personal affronts which served to incorporate him into Philadelphia's brotherly love culture. Upon mending the Liberty Bell so that it rung for only the second time in its crappy-made history, Fowler was celebrated across Philadelphia by having beers thrown on him, being showered with self-induced projectile vomit, and being pegged multiple times by snowballs even though it's the month of June. Philadelphia held true to their reputation of brotherly love, an often times misunderstood term, when a fellow who was not from Philadelphia began slandering Fowler.  In a protective rage, Philadelphians knocked the fellow's balls up into his mouth while confrontationally informing him that, "YO - BUDDY - only wer allowed ta give Fowls a hard time. Not no outsiders like youze, chief." Through that endorsement, Fowler became initiated as an official brother of the great city of Philadelphia in that nobody but Philadelphia is allowed to abuse him.

And if you're wondering how Dexter Fowler was in Philadelphia when the Rockies/Phillies game was being played in Colorado, it's because Dexter Fowler is everywhere at once. You should already know that.