Fowler Finds Inspiration in Rocky II

Fowler punished the Dodgers last night, going 2 for 3 with a homer and 2 RBIs.

Spin: With Troy Tulowitzki given the night off to rest an ailing shoulder, Fowler led off the game with a homerun. For those of you that don't speak Dexterish, that was Fowler's way of saying, "Take note, Dwight Howard. Real men step up when their team's superstar is out."

Fowler's smash was his 8th of the year, but just his first from the right side of the plate. Before the game, teammates reported seeing Fowler watching tape of Rocky II, in which Rocky feigns Apollo Creed by initially fighting right-handed before switching back to his natural southpaw style. If you're not understanding the analogy, hop on your Netflix account and rent the damn movie. Ted Lilly is the closest thing to a doppelganger that Carl Weathers will ever see.

Fowler Prevented From Ever Entering Record Books

Facing a lefty pitcher in Patrick Corbin, the left-handed hitting Fowler managed to post a 1 for 4 day with a run and an RBI.

Spin:

While some may think it odd for Fowler to be in the lineup against a left-handed pitcher, it's due to the fact that those people are probably dead. Anyone who knows Dexter Fowler is everyone, and so only dead people are culprits of being unaware that he defies the need for statistical research. In fact, it was even formally announced by Major League Baseball earlier this week that they will stop keeping track of his stats altogether under the premise that it is "an egregious waste of time to extrapolate numbers out of something that exists beyond numbers." This comes on the heels of the report that prior to the season, new Rockies manager Walt Weiss had 162 lineup cards custom-printed with Fowler's already on them not so much because Weiss is a lazy fat ass, but because he's simply playing the percentages. Because when you play Dexter Fowler, you're playing the percentages.

All-Star Watch:

Fowler is currently the 13th ranked player in all of baseball, and the 3rd ranked outfielder in the National League.

Broncos Select Fowler in 7th Round of NFL Draft

Fowler notched another double in a 1 for 2 outing against the D-Backs. He also scored a run and racked up 3 walks, raising his OBP to a staggering .404.

Spin: Fowler's OBP is 19th-best in the Majors right now, and it's that type of dominance that probably led John Elway to select him with Broncos' 7th round selection. "F--- Peyton Manning," Elway, the Broncos' GM, was quoted as saying. "Fowler is a real American. I'm saying this with my eerie, All-American smile, goddamnit."

Fowler was quoted after the game as saying that he was looking for walks to save his legs for the upcoming Broncos' mini-camps.

Extra Spin: If you think Elway selected purely on athletic ability, you're beginning to understand just how much of a berserker Fowler is. You're also missing the business side of this: Elway is worried that Fowler's continued peacocking in MLB will undercut Broncos' ticket sales in the Fall, just like Elway himself undercut the Packers' defense.

Fowler Uses Props To Get Props

Fowler had another solid night, going 2 for 5 and scoring a run.

Spin:

After going a Tony Gwynn 1 for 3 the night before, Fowler decided to scrap the fat suit, plug Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen head on the end of his bat, and go a Ted Williams 2 for 5. Fortunately for the Williams family, Fowler kept the ball on the sweet spot of the bat, sparing Ted's frozen head from shattering into pieces at the hands of a 90mph fastball. It should be noted that the extra props Fowler has been using in the past two games in order to channel the greatest hitters in history does nothing to undermine his own ability. Think of Fowler's props more as paying homage, as it is clear that if he channeled Adam Dunn or Dan Uggla by going up to the plate without a bat at all, he'd still manage to collect a hit or two by self-regulating his behavior and swatting away with an invisible hand.

Flakes Of Rake Shower Upon Fowler's Two RBI

Another solid game against the Braves for Fowler, he went 2 for 5 with 2 RBI and a walk.

Spin:

After raking in Tuesday’s doubleheader, Fowler drove immediately to Home Depot following the game in order to buy a rake.  Rather than keeping it on a metaphorical level, he took said rake home, broke off the handle, and secured both ends into the industrial-sized lathe he keeps in his bedroom.  Fowler worked through the night, his bedroom being sprinkled by flakes of rake, which emitted a very soft wood smell.  The smell of Fowler’s bedroom is unimportant.  What is important is that Fowler carved a bat out of a fucking rake and then used that bat to literally rake a single and double in his game the following day.  The two baserunners who scored on his hits were rewarded with an up-close look at Fowler’s new rake bat.

Fowler Gives Up Shovel For Bat In Fair Trade

Going 4 for 9 in the Rockies/Braves doubleheader, Fowler raised his batting average 25 points to .275.  He added a run and a stolen base.

Spin: 

Notified prior to the doubleheader that his Player Rater ranking had fallen out of the top ten, Fowler put down the snow shovel he’d been using to help Coors Field’s maintenance crew, and picked up a baseball bat. “It’s time to stop working and have some fun,” Fowler told the crew, who recently nominated him for Business Manager of their union local. And if you don’t think that Fowler knows how to have fun, then you’re a fucking idiot. He swiped a base. For fun. He hit a triple. For fun. He plowed his way back into the top ten Player Rater rankings. For business. Because Dexter Fowler means business when it comes to having fun.

Fowler Makes Successful Seven-Inning Managerial Debut

Still dealing with soreness in his left foot, Fowler was not in the lineup on Sunday.

Spin:


While foot soreness was perhaps partially what held Fowler out of the lineup on Sunday, it was later revealed that manager Walt Weiss was seen wandering downtown Denver in an old Oakland A's uniform at gametime.  With no manager in sight, Fowler took the reins and set Sunday's lineup, omitting himself to kindly "give others a chance to play this great game." In his managerial debut, Fowler coached the Rockies to a quick lead, only to see Walt Weiss stumble into the dugout midway through the game, still in his Oakland A's jersey. Weiss then re-took control of the helm in the eighth inning, rearranging Fowler's lineup by inserting Carney Lansford, Willie Randolph, and Terry Steinbach while bringing in a 58-year old Dennis Eckersley who subsequently blew his first save in twenty years. When asked about these questionable moves that led to the destruction of Fowler's managerial masterpiece, Rickey Henderson stepped in to answer all questions on behalf of both Weiss and Rickey Henderson. 

Dexter Claus Quietly Gives A Couple Little Gifts

With an 0 for 3 night, Fowler now has consecutive hitless games. He did, however, score a run and add a stolen base to his hitless night.

Spin:

Digging into his bag of goodies, Dexter Claus produced a couple of nifty gifts to prove that a) his bag is never empty, and b) even during recession-esque games, kids will not go presentless. Much like his jolly December counterpart, Dexter Claus flew under the radar last night and will probably continue to do so until Major League Baseball develops its own version of NORAD to track his journey straight into the 2013 All Star Game. For now, simply sit back and enjoy seeing what others can't: that valuable present hidden in the corner of the living room that turns out to be second base. Because when Dexter Claus steals second base, he takes the actual base.

Ghost Man Warms Cold Coors Field

Fowler posted an 0 for 4 night, dropping his average to .263.

Spin:

Still playing in sub-zero Colorado temperatures, Fowler warmed his teammates up by cooling himself down by performing what he ostensibly referred to as a "ghost reversal." This term, while unknown to the general population, is commonly-used amongst the paranormal community. Fowler's usage of such vocabulary and ensuing demonstration of it only goes to show his ability to shift between the different frequencies of alternate worlds. It can now be safely assumed that Fowler exists as both ghost and man. Ghost Man.

Fowler Catalyzes Historic 1988 World Series Moment With Late-Inning Home Run

In his return to the starting lineup, Fowler went 1 for 5, smacking a home run in the eighth-inning and scoring three runs to boot.

Spin:

Boot was just what he wasn't wearing. His sore left foot hampered him not early on, as Fowler scampered the basepaths like a man-child and scored his owners (both real and fantasy) two runs early. Feeling his foot grow stubborn in later innings to the point that he could no longer run, Fowler dialed up Kirk Gibson. Literally, he dialed up Kirk Gibson and said, "Kirk! Kirk, it's Dexter. Your COUSIN, Dexter Fowler. You know that one-footed home run you been lookin' for? Well check this out!" And then Fowler proceeded to club a home run on his club foot so Kirk could see on how it's done, go back in time, and do the same in the 1988 World Series. So essentially, Fowler played a role in the 1988 World Series today.

MLB Looks to Fowler, Then Contacts NBC

Wednesday's game against the Mets was postponed. Fowler wasn't in the lineup, however, and is still day-to-day.

Spin:

Upon being presented with the lineup cards prior to gametime, the umpires conferred with each other through momentary facial expressions and unanimously decided to postpone the game due to "A little bit of rain and Dexter Fowler not being in the lineup." This, if anything, should indicate just how central Fowler has become to Major League Baseball. Don't be surprised if the Rockies begin appearing regularly on national networks once Fowler returns to the starting lineup.

Missing from Starting Lineup, Fowler Could Make Interesting Decisions About Sore Left Foot

Fowler is being held out of Tuesday's contests due to a sore left foot and is considered day-to-day. 

Spin: 

Fowler's absence from the starting lineup in Tuesday's doubleheader is not a reliable indication that he will not play at all.  With just a sore left foot, Fowler may choose to amputate his own foot thereby ridding himself of the minor injury in order to then knock a late-inning hanging curveball out of the park from his stump.  Feel free to keep him in your lineup if you would be satisfied with a 1 for 1 day and that he would be playing the remainder of the season without a left foot.

Fowler Makes His Monday His Sunday

The Rockies/Mets game was postponed due to inclement weather. They will make up the game in a doubleheader on Tuesday.

Spin:  Last night, God's dazzling display prevented Fowler from continuing his hit parade.  But considering that he is the most likely candidate to play the role of God, it can reasonably be suggested that Fowler gave himself a day of rest by raining on his own parade.