Reynolds and Dunn Results Positive in Dan Uggla Paternity Test

The most unremarkable news to surface during the start of the 2014 baseball season was the paternity test results proving that Mark Reynolds and Adam Dunn fathered Braves' second baseman, Dan Uggla. Released earlier this week, these results came as absolutely no surprise to anybody who pays attention to baseball. As one Braves fan said of Uggla, "Even a three-year-old who saw how many times that mother%*@(!$ struck out over the past three years could've put this together."

The DNA samples provided by Reynolds and Dunn indicated a toxic mixture of strikeouts and low batting average accompanied by strands of sudden home runs, all of which seem to have been passed on to their love child. This marks not only the first time that two major leaguers have fathered a child together, but also the first time a son has played professionally before his own dad as Uggla's debut was a full year before that of Reynolds.

When asked why he chose not to take either of his fathers' surnames, Uggla told the media that whether he hits a bomb or strikes out or strikes out or strikes out or strikes out he does so as his own man.

Papelbon Blows Save, Celebrates By Watching Major League II

Paprika walked in the winning run on six pitches in Wednesday's 4-3 loss to the Rangers.

Spin: This is Pap-Smear's first blown save this season, adding worry to fantasy owners concerned about last season's 29th-best conversion rate. The closer shrugged off those concerns as he watched Major League II on the flight to Chicago. "Does Rich Vaughn get concerned when he struggles in the beginning of the season? No." said Papier Mache. "Eventually he ditches the smoking-hot babe for that plain-Jane girl, gets his hair chopped, and adds the glasses for a finishing touch. And then they make the playoffs."