Fowler Opens The Heavenly Gates Of FowlerBalls

Fowler retreated to his spartan cabin in the woods where he exorcised the world during the All-Star game he should've been going 4 for 4 with 5 home runs in. The extra home run would've been for free.

Spin:

Fans missed seeing Fowler put on the hitting display of Willie Mays Hayes' dreams by electing not to elect him to the National League All-Star team. Sources say that the reason for this unsportsmanlike conduct was committed under the duress of the bus that is Bryce Harper. Intimidating voters into ignoring things like statistics and well-developed viewpoints, the bus that is Bryce Harper was seen driving around the country with Florida plates and a sack full of coercion. FowlerBalls made a full-fledged attempt at derailing the bus by eliciting Keanu Reeves' expertise only to find out that actors are only pretending to have the expertise they have in the films we watch. This left the bus that is Bryce Harper to continue at its reckless clip along the LA freeway and on across the country with nothing to answer for, not even the number of at-bats he had prior to being voted an All-Star (169? Seriously??).

Fowler took the repeat beating graciously, however, prompting theologians over the globe to accurately concur that God is, in fact, a forgiving God and not a condemning God. Fowler then reinforced this awareness by raising his palms to the sky, summoning a white light from the heavens, and proclaiming "Truly, truly, I say to you, let he who believes in me open the gates of FowlerBalls to other players with stories of merit." (Dexter 1:24)

And with this proclamation, Fowler has compassionately unlocked FowlerBalls in order for others to gain His glory. Such munificence perfectly defied the evil done unto Him by responding to this evil with acts of good will.

So instead of playing in the All-Star Game, Dexter Fowler spent his time undoing the devil.

FowlerBalls Visits Fowler at Nats Park, Captures Harper's Ghost

With FowlerBalls' support from the stands, Fowler got back on All-Star track Sunday against the Nats by going 2 for 4 with two runs scored.

Spin:

FowlerBalls was not the only presence in the stands on Sunday. With photographic proof, Bryce Harper's ghost was seen lurking ominously in centerfield as Fowler stood with his head bowed in meditative thought. Upon noticing this, members of FowlerBalls launched in action, drinking no less than ten beers apiece in order to reach a wavelength drunk enough to make communication with spirits actually possible (hence the reason liquor is also referred to as spirits). Once sufficiently belligerent, members of FowlerBalls confronted the ghost hovering over Fowler...

FowlerBalls:  We are the members of FowlerBalls and we demand to know the purpose of your presence! 

Ghost:  I am here to destroy Dexter Fowler so that he never gets the attention that he truly deserves.

FowlerBalls:  This will be impossible, Ghost, because we know who to call!  

Ghost (upon realizing):  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Right at that moment, Ray Parker Jr.'s classic theme song blasted over the loudspeakers as the Ghostbusters burst onto the scene donning Dexter Fowler jerseys and proton packs. Multiple streams struck Bryce Harper's ghost sending it into frighteningly fitful seizures until a trap was opened and the ghost was sent shrieking into permanent containment.

With Bryce Harper's ghost now writhing alongside the likes of Slimer, Gozer, and Zuul, Dexter Fowler will be free to be the ghostbuster that he is by going on a hitting binge that will show the world that Dexter Fowler is FOR REAL.  

Stamp that, bitch. 

Vote For Change Tour Revives, Plays In Support of Fowler

Fowler rested his banged up hand on Tuesday night, but the game against the Blue Jays was played anyhow.

Spin:

In unforeseen but quite felicitous news, an announcement hit the streets on early Tuesday afternoon informing the public that the Vote For Change Tour has been reignited due to "the outrageous injustice being done - probably by the GOP - to Dexter Fowler with regards to the lack of All-Star votes he has received." Several tour dates across the country have already been released with the likes of Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews Band, and a temporarily reunited R.E.M. filling most of the bills. "This feels like 2004 all over again. Voting was a sham and Scott Weiland was kicked out of STP," Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder remarked. Fowler, who remains absent from the top 15 vote-getters among NL Outfielders even though he ranks #7 statistically, was very touched by the support shown by such esteemed bands. "Personally, I'd rather go to one of these shows than to the All-Star game," Fowler stated. "Um ... Shin-Soo Choo and Gregor Blanco ... or Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen?"

The Vote For Change Revival Tour could have further repercussions as their final tour date coincides with the All-Star Game itself. This date, however, will only be played if the National League fails to place Fowler on its roster. But should this blatant iniquity somehow occur, the final tour date could drill a message straight into the heart of Major League baseball when fans bail on the All-Star game because they would rather witness a surprise appearance by Neil Young than see Marco Scutaro field a ground ball. 

Deceptive Dexter Deftly Deceives Canadian Customs

Fowler had a rough night at the plate, going 0 for 3 against a strong outing by Josh Johnson.

Spin: Fowler’s average dipped under .300 once again, but stands at an admirable .298. Still, he’s hitting .375 in his last 10 games and is due for a power surge, so expect him to bounce back tonight. Besides, his struggles at the plate can be traced to his troubles passing through customs in Canada. When asked, “Do you have anything to declare?” Fowler responded by borrowing a line from one of his favorite playwrights, Oscar Wilde. “I have nothing to declare except the 8 hits--2 doubles, 4 singles, and a triple--that I will have during this series against your Blue Jays,” said Dexter. Customs officials promptly confiscated his hits and the satchel of American bacon he had hidden under them, but Dexter had the last laugh. You see, it’s widely known that Canadians can’t count or spell well, so they failed to realize that Dexter neglected to declare 1 of his 8 hits--the homer that he will smash into the upper deck of the Rogers Centre (Center) tonight.

Fowler Patches Up Crack In Liberty Bell

Currently day-to-day from being hit on the hand by Ross Detweiler, Fowler did not play on Saturday against the Phillies and is likely to be out for Sunday's afternoon game as well.

Spin:

On a bright, blue-skied Saturday, the ever judicious Dexter Fowler elected to use his recovery time for the betterment of our great nation's first capital, Philadelphia. No, he did not use it to lay more cobblestone although that certainly was one of his top options. Instead, he chose to pluck his welding helmet and torch off his workbench in order to set about righting a bell that has been busted longer than Rocky's face. Donning none other than his Dickies work clothes, Fowler worked through the afternoon enduring heat not in the form of sun, but in the form of slurs, insults, and personal affronts which served to incorporate him into Philadelphia's brotherly love culture. Upon mending the Liberty Bell so that it rung for only the second time in its crappy-made history, Fowler was celebrated across Philadelphia by having beers thrown on him, being showered with self-induced projectile vomit, and being pegged multiple times by snowballs even though it's the month of June. Philadelphia held true to their reputation of brotherly love, an often times misunderstood term, when a fellow who was not from Philadelphia began slandering Fowler.  In a protective rage, Philadelphians knocked the fellow's balls up into his mouth while confrontationally informing him that, "YO - BUDDY - only wer allowed ta give Fowls a hard time. Not no outsiders like youze, chief." Through that endorsement, Fowler became initiated as an official brother of the great city of Philadelphia in that nobody but Philadelphia is allowed to abuse him.

And if you're wondering how Dexter Fowler was in Philadelphia when the Rockies/Phillies game was being played in Colorado, it's because Dexter Fowler is everywhere at once. You should already know that.

Fowler Victim Of Conspiracy

After hitting a double and scoring a run, Fowler was drilled in the hand by Ross Detweiler, a pitcher for the Nationals who was acting only out of coercion.

Spin:

The bus that is Bryce Harper struck Fowler again on Thursday, this time in the form of rocket to the hand as he was attempting to bunt, which is another way of saying "sacrifice his life for democracy." Parts of the rocket were later recovered and revealed a hammer and sickle etched into various sections. This led authorities to deduce two things. One, the Soviet Union is still alive and still without food. Two, the Soviet Union wants to neutralize Dexter Fowler. But what the Soviet Union's intel failed to produce prior to Operation Fuck-up Fowler was that Fowler is actually bionic - part man, part super-being. This failure can only be because the Soviet Union does not read FowlerBalls. And so their shameful exercise on Thursday was nothing more than a reminder that Dexter Fowler has the capability of catching rockets with his bare hand.

The disappearance of Roger Clemens was later reported.

Fowler Reveals New At-Bat Song By Up-and-Coming Rap Artist

A 1 for 4 night with a walk and a run scored maintained Fowler's pace as the 4th ranked Outfielder in the National League.

Spin:

On Tuesday night Dexter Fowler strolled to the plate with his usual swag but to an unusual song. While most Rockies fans were expecting to hear Big Sean's "Guap" reverberate from the stadium speakers, they were treated to the unannounced revealing of Fowler's new at-bat song: "Fowler on the Prowler" by Trevor Bauer. Apparently on his off day, Fowler was contacted by Cleveland's future stud pitcher, Trevor Bauer, who beseechingly asked Fowler if he could write a rap song about "the one hitter in baseball who I unequivocally fear." Okay, so Bauer didn't quite use the word unequivocally because he probably doesn't even know that word exists. However, lines in his new rap song lionizing Fowler did include such words as:

"Fowler would crush me like a crash test dummy"

"Fowler would house me which would arouse me"

and other lines that bear Bauer's trademark of awkwardly trying to fit too many words into one line:

"Fowler's like a Plymouth Prowler hitting the gas on fastballs thrown by me Trevor Bauer"

As for the crowd's reaction to Fowler's new entrance song, it was favorable if not downright raucous. Trevor Bauer rocked Coors Field from the speakers rather than the mound, which means that Dexter Fowler could very well soon be credited with changing up the career path of the promising young pitcher who may decide to pursue a rap career instead. Because Dexter Fowler's change-up doesn't alter speed, it alters life.

Fowler Imitates Kid Imitating Dexter Fowler Hitting Walk-Off Single, Hits Actual Walk-Off Single

Fowler posted another monstrosity of a line with a 4 for 6 afternoon at Coors Field that included three runs, one RBI, a stolen base, and the walk-off hit in the bottom of the tenth inning.

Spin:

After having scored the game-tying run in the bottom of the ninth inning, Dexter Fowler strode to the plate in the bottom of the tenth inning carrying his yellow plastic bat that was duct taped around the top - ostensibly where the bat had to be reattached after a saw cut into it so that it could be properly corked with newspaper. Ghost runners were confirmed to be on first and third. Two out.

"Okay guys, I'm Dexter Fowler," Fowler shouted as he got into the batter's box.

"Uhhh ... yeah, we know," San Diego catcher, Nick Hundley, rejoined slightly miffed.

"How? Does my batting stance look that much like him?" asked Fowler.

"Like who?" Hundley replied.

"Like Dexter Fowler!" Fowler exclaimed, the answer obvious to him.

"What?"

"How did you already know that I'm being Dexter Fowler? Does it look like my stance is so much like his that you could tell that I'm being Dexter Fowler?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I knew you'd know! I knew I could do his stance better than anyone!"

"What. The. Fuck. Man."

"Yeeaaah ... I knew it," Fowler said mostly to himself with a hearty smile as he rocked back and forth in his stance awaiting the pitch.

With a 1-1 count, the pitch came in and ... Crack! Fowler struck a sharp base-hit back through the middle, scoring the winning ghost runner from third base. Upon rounding first base, Fowler leapt in the air exclaiming "Fowler wins the game! Fowler wins the game! The fans go wild! Fow-ler! Fow-ler! Fow-ler!"

Because when kids imitate Dexter Fowler in the backyard, Dexter Fowler then imitates those kids in Major League baseball games.

Fowler Ill After Too Much Awesome

Fowler was held out of Wednesday's game with an illness, but for some reason batted in the 9th inning when the game was 12-4. He struck out swinging.

Spin:

After going on such a tear as of late and launching himself into the top 5 National League outfielders even though current All-Star voting doesn't even place him in the top 15, Fowler began vomiting up all the Awesome he's been producing prior to Wednesday's game. Awesome, known as a substance far more potent than cocaine laced with cans of spinach, is not something one can consume but is simply something that one is. And Dexter Fowler is. Awesome.

The exorbitant amounts of Awesome Fowler's body produces, however, can at times be too great even for Dexter Fowler to handle. This creates a sort of impossible dichotomy that the universe is so apt to display once it reaches excessive degrees of extremity and can only lead one to ponder: How can Fowler be greater than Awesome but Awesome also be greater than Fowler?

But there, in the ninth inning and in spite of his illness, strode to the plate: Dexter Fowler. With a bucket in hand which he set beside the batter's box, he proceeded to strike out while in the throes of violently heaving into the bucket all the Awesome his body is producing. After his at-bat, he then drank the entire bucket of thrown up Awesome.

This was greater than Awesome. Proving that Dexter Fowler does, in fact, produce more Awesome than Awesome actually exists.  

Fowler Goes Greek

Fowler plated a run in the Rockies’ win against the Reds, going 1 for 4 with a strikeout.

Spin: Fowler has been hot at the plate in his last 10 games, batting .351 while limiting his strikeouts to just 5 in those 37 at-bats. It seems to suggest he’s made an adjustment at the plate--good news for fantasy owners, but bad news for pitchers in the National League. Reds’ starting pitcher Homer Bailey got even more bad news from Fowler when he found this note taped to his locker after the game:

Dear Homer,

Your nickname is also the nickname of my favorite cartoon character as well as my favorite Greek poet. Did you know that some believe he was blind? That’s ironic, isn’t it? Cause I thought the same thing about you when you threw me that fastball over the plate in the 2nd inning. Because anyone that throws Dexter a fastball over the plate with men on base must be blind.

Your pal,

Dex

Reds Destroy Their Own Fences, Force Fowler To Fly Out

Fowler went 0 for 4, flying out three times. Currently, his Player Rating ranks him as an All-Star participant.

SPIN:

After Sunday's S.W.A.T. team display in which Fowler swatted two homers like they were laser bullets off this bat, the Cincinnati Reds promptly contacted their local construction unions to have their ballpark's generous fences immediately blown up. However, the local construction unions emphatically refused the job because, if you remember, Fowler himself became a local union leader earlier this spring. This forced the Reds to stalk the dark Cincy streets at night in search of a hoodlum willing and able to take on the task. And who did they find huddled by a burn barrel down along the Ohio River? Chad Johnson. A man who now not simply will but has to do anything he can to still be a part of pro sports. And on late Sunday night/early Monday morning, Chad Johnson became a part of pro sports once again by taking a sledgehammer to the Great American Ball Park fences, demolishing them to prevent Dexter Fowler from hitting what would've been three home runs. In reaction to Johnson's actions, Fowler walked directly to the courthouse and officially changed his name to Dexter Veinticuatro.  

Matt Magill Unintentionally Antagonizes Fowler

Fowler had another majestic night at the plate, working 2 walks, scoring 2 runs, hitting 2 homeruns, and driving in 3 runs.

Spin: Fowler lead off the game with a homerun--a feat which irritated Dodgers' spot-starter Matt Magill. Magill then intentionally walked the hot-hitting Fowler, who is 8 for 18 in the last 3 games. That irritated Fowler. So when Magill again tried to intentionally walk Fowler in the 6th, Dexter would have none of it. Instead of idly taking the pitches, Fowler cued up a pitch that Magill left over the outer edge of the plate, and smashed it over the fence. It reminded us of this gem of a highlight.

If you decided to bench Fowler yesterday because there was no way he'd continue his hot streak, and instead you thought Vernon Wells would go deep while playing the Red Sox on national TV, you should get your head out of your ass and go to the minor leagues of life.

Fowler Hits Walk-Off Single, Keeps Running Directly To Oklahoma

In an ending made for heroes, Fowler hit a walk-off single in the bottom of the tenth inning, giving him a 2 for 6 day with a run, two RBI, and a stolen base.

Spin: One of the more electorally-modifying moments in baseball history occurred yesterday when Dexter Fowler prematurely ended a game in the tenth inning because "there are more pressing world issues that need to be attended to." With the game looking as if it would drag on, Fowler took matters into his own peremptory hands and singled home the winning run, thereby putting a cement stamp on the end of the game. Fowler, after hitting the walk-off single and rounding first, continued using those bird-like legs of his and galloped on out of the stadium and straight to Oklahoma while chanting to himself "there's no place like home." A rare misquote on his part--or was it? Always prone to adumbrate, Fowler proceeded to rebuild disaster-stricken Oklahoma with his bare hands, rebuild simply stricken Kansas with his bare hands, and then--with his bare hands--fuse the two states together. When officials wondered why he thought Oklahoma and Kansas should be one state, Fowler could not be reached for comment as he was already on his way back to Colorado, running with Forrest Gump thrown over his shoulder like a bag of chocolates.

Altruistic Fowler Helps Struggling Upton

Dexter had a handsome night at the plate, spraying 3 singles and scoring 2 runs in the Rockies' almost-epic-comeback-but-Rafael-Betancourt-once-again-blew-it loss to the Dodgers.

Spin: Some 1400 miles away, a struggling BJ Upton was once again left out of the Braves' starting lineup. Sensing this, the always-acuminous Fowler decided to help out. So he hit 3 singles instead of the previously-planned 2. You see, 2 hits would have been sufficient to elevate his batting average and maintain his contention for a starting spot in the All-Star Game, but Dexter went ahead and hit one more. He immediately mailed that single to BJ Upton, who was sitting on the bench contemplating why his younger brother has a better average, more homeruns, and a name without heavy sexual connotations. The single erected BJ's average from .145 to .150, which, assuming he can get 500 ABs, equates to about $200,000 per hit this season.

Fowler Recruits 'Stros Players For Beer League Softball Team

Fowler posted a solid night at the plate, going 1 for 3 with a run, RBI, and stolen base. He also wrapped two more walks into the game.

Spin: 

Ever of the quantifier/qualifier kind, Fowler used his superior skills of assessment and detachment last night to calculate the true worth of Houston's players. Many of these players have been denigrated for being part of the fighting-for-worst-team in baseball. However, the disparagement lofted their way has neglected to be accompanied by the qualifier that these players are bad for major league baseball. This Dexter Fowler realized in his unbiased, sage-like manner that he is so wont to slip into from time to time. As a result, Fowler decided to get on base several times last night in order to approach Astros players about the possibility of them joining his buddy's beer league softball under the premise that they would then crush instead of be crushed. Many of the Astros players showed interest, particularly J.D. Martinez, Brandon Barnes, and Cris Carter who were also mesmerized by Fowler's ability to take leads that stretched into the outfield just so he could discuss this exciting new opportunity with them. This inspired the Astros players to then beat the Rockies in order to prove that they would absolutely mash in beer league softball.

Dilettante Demonstrates Deftness Dealing with Dexter

Fowler did not have a noteworthy night at the plate, plopping a soft single in centerfield and working a walk.

Spin: Fowler was dealing with the Canadian Chameleon, commonly known as Erik Bedard (he also has some accents in his name somewhere), who’s 5.32 ERA does in fact indicate that he’s got a fleeting interest in pitching. Last night, though, enthused by the raucous Denver crowd and his increased propinquity to his native lands, he swapped his typical pregame routine of wearing a velvet robe, smoking Capri Slim 100s, and sipping dirty martinis with his pinky extended, and actually warmed up in the bullpen. 

We fully expect Fowler to bounce back tonight when he faces American-born hurler Lucas William Bradley Harrell, whose name is as egregiously large as his ERA. Also, Erik Bedard is this guy’s cousin. And alliteration is fun.

Ambulatory Fowler Sends Game Tape To Brad Pitt

Though held hitless, Fowler again managed a pair of walks in addition to a run scored.

Spin:

Fowler played yet another game in which he carved walks like a fine-tuned bricklayer. Following the one-run win against Houston, Fowler assembled a highlight reel comprised solely of his ability to reap these bases on balls and sent it to actor Brad Pitt. This became a successful laundering operation as Pitt, while watching Fowler's game tape, morphed into character and portrayed the laudatory reaction Billy Beane would have had if he were the one watching the tape. A tape of this reaction was then sent directly to Beane who understood exactly how he would have reacted. This bizarre third-person experience led Beane to immediately add Fowler to his all-time lineup, which includes players such as Kevin Youkilis and Nick Swisher who are instructed to either walk or strikeout thereby maintaining a collective non-existent batting average. Fowler, dismayed, explained that although he was entirely amenable to not having a batting average, he could not support the lineup's no-run policy. Because when you throw ball four to Dexter Fowler, you are essentially letting a thief walk. 

Fowler Leaves No One Behind

Fowler enjoyed a 1 for 3 Memorial Day, racking up two walks in the Rockies’ loss to the lowly Astros.

Spin: A closer look at Fowler’s stats reveals something more pertinent for his fantasy owners--and his agent. Last night, Fowler left 0 men on base. For fantasy owners, this means that you should be looking for Dexter to drive in a ton of runs, especially since Walt Weiss has dropped him to 2nd in the order during this series in Houston. With Eric “The On-Base Machine” Young batting in front of him, there’s little doubt Fowler’s 18 RBIs will increase.

For his agent, this means that Dexter is now a prime endorser of Denver-area search and rescue teams. We’re envisioning a billboard that says, “We leave no one behind,” alongside a grinning Fowler. As a dog owner, I’d seek these guys out. Get on that, Excel Sports Management.

Fowler Pays Tribute To Jordan, Jordan Pays Tribute To Fowler

Fowler went 2 for 3 on Sunday with a run scored and stolen base. He also had two walks to his credit, raising his OBP to .371.

Spin:

Dexter Fowler, master shark of the combo shot, donned a retro-Michael Jordan jersey on Sunday sporting the number 23 while digging into the batter's box and then proceeding to go 2 for 3. As awkward as fans found it to witness a baseball player playing in a basketball jersey, they perhaps found it even more awkward - for obvious reasons - to see Michael Jordan in a baseball jersey. But there was Jordan at AT&T Park, nibbling on nachos while lounging in a box seat wearing a Dexter Fowler "24" jersey. Speculation ensued as to why Fowler elects to use the number 24 rather than the number 23 as his baseball jersey number. Many splenetic comments were heard asserting that Fowler thinks he's one better than Michael Jordan. Fowler, however, cleared the air following Sunday's game by explaining that the additional one is "for country." Nobody knew what he meant until celebratory shots were heard round the world and then confirmed to all be echoing not from Bobby Thompson's bat but from the Kingdom of Jordan. The gunfire, though coincidental, was not unrelated, as it occurred following a ceremony held to commemorate the official re-naming of the Kingdom of Jordan to the Democracy of Fowler. Because Fowler is, in fact, one step up from Jordan.

Fowler Tells Bochy He's Saving Hits For All-Star Game

On Friday night, Fowler went 0 for 3 with a walk against Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants.

Spin:  

Current San Francisco Giants manager and 2013 All-Star Game manager, Bruce Bochy, was awarded an abeyance on Friday night as Fowler informed him prior to the game that he was going to "save my hits for the ASS game." Bochy, unfamiliar with what the hell an ASS game is, asked Fowler, "What the hell's an ASS game?"  "All-Star & Stud game," Fowler rejoined. At this, Bochy promptly took notice that though Fowler did do as he promised - not get a hit - he still stealthily maneuvered a way for his team to win by working the highest pitch count in the game. This allowed other Rockies hitters to take advantage of a worn Lincecum and Fowler's drone-like sniper ability to pierce a pitcher without ever having been seen at all. But Bruce Bochy saw. And what he saw was a Star and a Stud, cloaked in Stealth.

The 2013 All-Star Game has now officially been renamed the All-Star & Stud in Stealth - or ASSS - game to more accurately reflect Fowler's inevitable presence at it come July.  

Fowler Visits Napa, Inspires Vintner

Fowler spent the Rockies’ off-day relaxing and touring a Napa Valley winery, according to his Instagram.

Spin: The proprietor of the winery immediately declared this year a “2013 Vintage Fowler,” named, of course, after the star centerfielder. Wine critics noted that the wine, tentatively dubbed “Fermented Fowler,” starts strong, with hints of white ash, base hits, cinnamon, and Garry Maddox’s beard. “It finishes even stronger,” added famed wine critic Robert M. Parker, “with an overpowering alcohol content of .324, with 23 homeruns and 45 stolen bases. And it tastes a bit like cherries and figs.” This is good news for fantasy owners, as we’re fairly certain that Parker was speaking in code.

As Clean-Up Hitter, Fowler Misinterprets Baseball Jargon

Fowler went 2 for 4 with a run scored and a stolen base.

Spin:

If you give Dexter Fowler a duty, Dexter Fowler will expound upon that duty until he receives letters from teachers everywhere thanking him for exemplifying what it means to "go above and beyond." This commonly known aspect of Fowler's personality appeared to have gone unheeded by Rockies Manager Walt Weiss when he informed Fowler prior to Thursday afternoon's contest that Fowler would be "taking on the clean-up duties." Somehow taking this too literally, Fowler then proceeded to play the entire game with a garbage can strapped to his back. In between innings, Fowler would scurry through the stands, picking up as much refuse as his nimble hands could snatch while past clips of Double Dare obstacle courses were televised on the scoreboard. Postgame speculation on Fowler's inability to understand common baseball terminology and Weiss' exploitation of that grew when it was reported that Marc Summers is Walt Weiss' ultimate celebrity crush.

At Expense Of Team, Fowler Teaches Promising Youngster How To Pitch

Going 0 for 4, Fowler - along with every bat in the Colorado lineup - was quiet on Monday night against Arizona's Patrick Corbin.

Spin:

What you will see in the box score is an heroic pitching line:  nine innings, one run on three hits, ten strikeouts. What you won't see in the box score, what you couldn't possibly see in a box score is Patrick Corbin, the young hurler, standing on the mound face blanched from fear and uncertainty prior to the game. But Dexter Fowler saw it. And when Dexter sees something, Dexter does something. So Dexter Fowler, munificence flowing through his veins, ran out to the mound and began instructing Corbin on how to pitch in the big leagues, gently easing him into the process. This naturally led Fowler to start the game on the mound pitching against his own team, including himself. Dexter Fowler is an easy out for Dexter Fowler. Over the course of the game, Fowler and his god-like forbearance encompassed Corbin and all that he was, is, and will ever be. This enabled Corbin to take the reins midway through the contest and pitch with steadfast resolve until the final out was made, the final light powered down, and the final revelation realized: the old adage "it can't be done overnight" is not something Dexter Fowler is aware of ever having been a fucking adage.

Fowler Tapped to be Next Pope

Fowler punished the Giants, going 4 for 5 and scoring a pair of runs.

Spin: Encoded in his 4 for 5 night was a subtle Biblical reference: Colossians 4:5, which reads, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Fowler, a God-fearing, God-loving, and god-like man, heeded the verse, and was immediately contacted by the Cardinals--the religious ones, not the ones from St. Louis--who were gauging his interest in taking over the papacy from Pope Francis, who no one has heard a damn thing about since we found out he used to ride the bus to work in Buenos Aires. A tentative Fowler was concerned about balancing his duties as leader of both a declining empire (Catholic Church) and a rising empire (Colorado Rockies). Nonetheless, he acquiesced when the Papal Conclave agreed to move the Vatican to Denver. White smoke erupted from the Vatican shortly after 11pm EST last night, signaling Fowler's election; Fowler immediately changed the official Papal smoke color from white to black.

NYSE: DF Surges After Strong May 18th COB Earnings Release

Dexter Fowler had a monster night, going 3 for 5 with three runs scored, two RBI, and one stolen base.

Spin:

Dexter Fowler, Inc. (NYSE: DF), the only corporation to issue daily earnings releases, spiked when trading opened this morning after reporting massive gains on the night May 18th. Fantasy owners who have stuck with DF or bought low were rewarded handsomely with fistfuls of green and were seen prancing around Wall Street in leprechaun outfits in celebration of having found a proverbial pot of gold. This strange, somewhat impish manner of rejoice in turn led to a sharp rise in General Mills, Inc. (NYSE: GIS) as folks took to markets everywhere and ravaged all supplies of Lucky Charms cereal. In light of this odd symbiotic relationship with cereal, Fowler is anticipating having to autograph hundreds of boxes of Lucky Charms prior to Sunday's game and has preemptively requested that fans not throw the marshmallows onto the field unless they're aiming for his mouth.

Fowler Does Yoga, Eats at Denny's

Fowler had a 2 for 5 night, scoring a pair of runs and making a diving catch to end a Giants rally.

Spin: Many thought Fowler was just making a spectacular diving snare. In fact, Fowler was just showcasing his Dhanurasana pose. Few fantasy owners know that Fowler is an avid yogi, which he says restores his balance and hitting prowess, so Dexter was likely sending a signal that he is, in fact, fully restored.

Later in the evening, Fowler was seen teaching a yoga class at a Denver-area Denny's, where he reportedly had just finished a Grand Slamwich. Fantasy owners can breathe easy knowing that Fowler has effectively broken out of his slump. Even though he's hitting just .154 in his last 10 games, this 2 game hitting streak, yoga pose, and his Grand Slamwich are ominous, to say the least.

Fowler Steals Base From Wealthy San Francisco, Gives It To Impoverished Oakland

Fowler continued his slump, going 1 for 5 while also stealing a base. 

Spin:

Setting foot in the high-priced city of San Francisco set Fowler off on the wrong foot Thursday night as he looked out, over the bay that separates the haves from the have nots.  Fowler's mood darkened substantially as he glared at the leper colony called Oakland that is left isolated as if its inhabitants are too diseased to be a part of mainstream society.  This altered state was apparent in his first at-bat when he struck out swinging, his head clearly looking towards the bay and not on the pitch.  In his second at-bat, however, things were markedly different as Fowler approached the batter's box with a bow and arrow, the movie Motorcycle Diaries, and every other figurative possession one could behold.  He proceeded to bat the ball so hard into the ground that it was momentarily mistaken for a meteorite striking the earth as he flew through first base in reap of an infield single.  Fowler then searched the stadium, looking into the evil eyes of San Francisco fans. Without breaking eye contact, he stole second base, unearthing it and sprinting directly towards the bay, diving in, and swimming it all the way to Oakland.  There, he presented them with a base that had turned into ten bags of gold. 

Because it's not that Fowler is against rich people; it's that he's for poor people. 

Fowler Works to Combat Illiteracy in Chicago Schools

Fowler had another O-fer night, going for 0 for 4 with 2 strikeouts in the Rockies' loss to the Cubs.

Spin: If fantasy owners are concerned about the precipitous drop in Fowler's average--it's gone down nearly 60 points in the past 2 weeks--they shouldn't be. Alas, Fowler wasn't even playing last night. He actually swapped places with Andre Dawson, who emerged from the ivy in centerfield just like in that insurance commercial, and performed honorably in Fowler's place. You see, Dexter has "doubles" in just about every city, since he's frequently called on to perform heroic deeds. Last night, he tutored struggling middle school students for several hours on a challenging phonics lesson: how to pronounce Samardzija and Sveum, the two unphonetically-correct dickheads who are killing his average. In his 3 days in Chicago, illiteracy rates have fallen nearly as much as his average, and both are likely to rise again once Dexter leaves The Windy City.

Fowler Mimicks Rooftop Cubs Fans, Sets Up Folding Chair In Centerfield

Fowler went 1 for 4 with a sacrifice bunt in the Rockies win over the Cubs.

Spin:

Fowler apparently decided to take a consecutive night off, opting to haul a folding chair out to centerfield and more or less hang out for all nine innings. In true spirit of the fans at Wrigley, Fowler slouched slovenly in an uncomfortable seat while proceeding to get aggressively drunk on beer as the game progressed. He did, however, still manage to collect a hit over the course of the game, something that Cubs fans have never accomplished and Cubs hitters rarely accomplish. When asked about this unorthodox contribution to Major League Baseball, Fowler was physically unable to comment due to his raging BAC level. It was later noticed that Wrigley's ivy had begun proliferating at a dangerous rate as a result of the extent to which Fowler organically watered them throughout the ballgame.

Fowler Gets Night Off, Browses iTunes for New Music

Manager Walt Weiss decided to give Fowler a rest against the Cubs last night.

Spin: Eric Young Jr. filled in for Fowler, and he did about as good of a job as the substitute teacher that filled in for my 4th period English class a few years back. Which is to say, "Really shitty." Said Weiss, "For me, I just felt like it was a good day to give Dex a little break." Yeah, well, for the rest of us it was a horrible day to give Dex a break, giving the paucity of centerfielders in our fantasy lineups.

Fantasy owners can breathe easy, however, since Fowler utilized his off-night to break out of his slump. He skipped batting practice and film-watching in order to find new entrance music. Currently, Fowler is entering the batters' box to the beat of either Bel Biv DeVoe's "Poison" or James Brown's "Super Bad." Obviously, both of these song are filled with hexing lyrics that have most certainly contributed to the paucity (yes, I used it again) of hits in Dex's last 10 games. Fowler will be experimenting with new tunes over the next few games, starting tonight with a revised version of The Tokens' hit song, "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." (They're playing the Cubs, get it?) Dex had heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch re-record the song with this alternate first lyric, "Weeheeheehee dee heeheeheehee weeoh aweem away, throw me a fucking first-pitch fastball, and I'll smash it out of the park."

Fowler K's Three Times, Avoids Lengthy Jail Sentence And Ignites Revolution

Fowler went 1 for 5 with a run scored. In five at-bats, he struck out three times.

Spin:

Dexter Fowler inspired criminals across the country on Sunday when he struck out three times and became the first three-strikes offender to have his case thrown out of court. Said the presiding judge, "We may have to reconsider the laws we pass, and admit to ourselves that they were enacted by humans...humans not named Dexter Fowler." This very humble acknowledgement of how inherently flawed man-made laws are could be seen as the catalyst to the next cataclysm. Already, several criminals have be seen masquerading behind the warmth of Fowler Faces - which are big ass cardboard cutouts of Dexter Fowler's man-face. Now, while it may not surprise anyone to find that Fowler may be the face of the next revolution, it should be noted that this would be nothing more than a mere byproduct of his ethereal existence.

Chef Dexter Ends Hitting & Hunger Strike

Fowler went 1 for 4 last night, ending his hitless streak at 5 games.

Spin: The entire Rockies team has struggled against the Cardinals' pitching staff. After the game, it was revealed that Rockies' players were on a hunger strike, protesting their shitty play. The strike lasted until the 8th inning, when Chef Dexter threw on his apron and prepared an early Mother's Day Brunch. The offerings were irresistible, with Chef Dexter serving his famous "Dexter Toast," which is really just grilled, mascarpone-stuffed, challah French toast. After sampling the fare, which included a side of locally-raised, organic maple-smoked, thick-cut bacon, Nolan Arenado immediately lined a single to center. Chef Dexter fancies dishes preceded by several adjectives, and followed by one-out singles. Definitely keep him in your lineup tomorrow, since he'll be serving a dexterlicious assortment of scones prior to the Rocks' 1.35 game in St. Louis.

McGwire Sabotages Rockies' Lineup, Fowler Strikes Back

Fowler had another tough night at the plate, going 0 for 3 against a strong outing by Cardinals' pitcher Shelby Miller.

Spin: Miller has been dealing all season, so it's no shock he held the visiting Rockies to just 1 hit over 9 frames. What is shocking, however, is that Cardinals' hitting coach--the legendary Mark McGwire--was seen trying to give pointers to Rockies' players prior to the game. And by "pointers" we mean "He was trying to inject steroids in their asses." He also suggested Fowler try more of an uppercut swing from the left side of the plate, a tactic McGwire said would continue Fowler's power surge from that side of the plate. After the game, Fowler realized this was complete bullshit and slept with McGwire's wife.

Moral of the story: Don't fuck with Dexter.

Fowler Fulfilling "Friendly Bet" With Rose

Fowler had another 0 for 3 night, collecting a walk, scoring a run, and leaving 2 on base in the process.

Spin: While our alliterating headline is cute, Fowler's struggle streak isn't. He's hitless in his last 4 games, going 0 for 14 during that stretch, and dropping his batting average nearly 40 points. Critics are growing increasingly boisterous, suggesting his ailing hip could lead to a DL trip. What the critics don't realize, however, is that Fowler is simply fulfilling his end of a friendly bet with Pete Rose. You see, Fowler bet Rose that he could go on an O-fer streak without getting caught for betting on his own at-bats. The two, who met at the annual “Rose Reinstatement Rally,” initially chummed it up over Fowler’s rediscovered switch-hitting prowess. The talk got serious when Rose suggested the “friendly bet,” to which Fowler replied, “I’m in. How much?”

Fowler Walks For Cause, Donates Hits To Charity

Fowler went 0 for 3 against the Yanks on Wednesday night, collecting one walk.

Spin:

The only part of a baseball uniform more classic than Yankee pinstripes is when Dexter Fowler wears his walking shoes. Because like Yankee pinstripes, Fowler's walking shoes means someone's getting paid. On a chilly night in Denver, Fowler decided to walk for other Major League hitters last night. So instead of going his usual 4 for 4 with two doubles and a homer, Fowler walked in one at-bat to show his support for struggling Major League hitters everywhere and then donated the three hits he would have collected in his other at-bats to the Major League Hitting Fund - two of which went directly to Dan Uggla. This display of pure generosity is perhaps the one "drawback" to having Fowler on your fantasy team as there will be nights scattered throughout the season in which he decides to donate his hits to charity - two of which will probably always go to Dan Uggla.

Fowler Goes 0 for 3 After Lunching With Charles Ramsey

Fowler went 0 for 3 with a walk in the face of a near-dominant performance by Hiroki Kuroda.

Spin: This lackluster outing exerted gravity on DF's average, bringing it back down closer to earth (.287). Still, Fowler gets a pass here, since earlier in the day he was in Cleveland, where he helped Charles Ramsey rescue 3 women from captivity. The two were lunching on a McDonald's Happy Meal, when Fowler noticed screams coming from a neighboring house. The two kicked down the door, freeing the women after 10 years in captivity.

Fowler has a history of heroic actions: he was previously recognized for helping a drunk Denzel Washington safely land a commercial jet by flying it upside down. Fantasy owners should be starting him tonight, since he'll likely be saving Juan Nicasio after he gives up 4 runs over 3 frames.

Fowler Nurses Hip, Becomes Practioner In The Process

The Rockies had an off night on Monday.

Spin:

Following Fowler's 0 for 5 performance on Sunday night, it was revealed that his hip flexor injury required professional care. This naturally led Fowler to drive immediately to Saint Joseph's Hospital where he delivered four dozen autographed baseballs to sick kids before heading to his assigned room where he tended to his injury while also engaging in an out-of-body experience so that he could oversee the process as well. This remarkable demonstration of self-provided healthcare led University of Colorado to promptly award him a degree in nursing even though he has never taken any required courses or, well, any courses at all for that matter. While this award may authorize Fowler to medically treat others, it should be considered as nothing more than a formality as he has been medically treating those in need for an amount of time that cannot be measured much in the same way that one cannot measure Jesus' ability to miraculously heal lepers.

Fowler Goes 0 for 5. Shut the F Up, Critics.

Fowler had an ugly night at the plate, striking out 3 times in an 0 for 5 outing.

Spin: Holy shit, I can hear the critics already. "He's coming back down to earth." "This is the beginning of Fowler's normalization." "Foul outing by Fowler." Get an effing grip, folks. There's loads of good news within this shitty stat. First, Fowler overcame his sore hip quickly, missing only 1 game. Second, he left no one on base. Third, Fowler was facing Alex Cobb. That's right, Alex F'ing Cobb. The guy's Ty Cobb's grandson, for crying out loud. Look up his stats. The guy has been lights out all year, and he was probably rubbing avocado grease on Fowler's bat before the game. If you just read that and thought it was a sexual innuendo, you disgust me, you F'ing critic.

Fowler Exits Game Early for Surgery

Fowler, who went 1 for 1 with a walk, had an early exit from last night's game due to a sore right hip flexor.

Spin: Hip flexors are friggin' annoying injuries. I should know--I'm fighting one right now after going 4 for 5 in my debut softball game last Saturday. Fantasy owners shouldn't fret over this, though, since Fowler is now batting 1.000 in his last 2 plate appearances, and was immediately taken to the University of Colorado Hospital where doctors replaced his hips with Vince Coleman's, circa 1985.

Backspin: Coleman stole a shit ton of bags in 1985, and we expect Fowler back in the lineup tonight, where he'll end up with at least 3 stolen bases and use a golf club to smack a homerun. In preparation for this new Fowlman Centaur, Manager Walt Weiss has Fowler batting 1st and 2nd, prohibited firecrackers in the locker room, and ordered the grounds crew to throw away the field tarp.

Reports of Fowler Using Off-Night to Play Shoeless in Industrial League

Spin:

A man purported to have resembled Fowler was spotted playing shoeless in the men's blue-collar Industrial League last night. The unknown man seemed to possess an ability so inhuman that his opponents intentionally walked him in his final two at-bats after he'd already blasted a home run and two triples. Throughout the game, a young boy continually leaned over the grandstand railing to ask the unknown man, "Are you Dexter Fowler?" to which he replied each time, "Don't know what you're talkin' about, kid." After the game ended, a very touching moment transpired as the unknown man, about to leave, called for the boy. Tossing a ball to the boy, he said, "Don't tell no one, ya hear?" Shivers of realization crept over the boy as he watched the unknown man, glove hanging from the bat against his shoulder, vanish into a cornfield.

While Fowler's presence at an Industrial League baseball game was not confirmed, it remains undecided as to whether or not the participation of man who is able to vanish into a fucking cornfield will cause the game's outcome to be negated.

Fowler Rests His Bat, Works on Wall-Ball Skills

Fowler’s 1 for 4 night included a single and a run scored.

Spin: Fowler didn’t have tremendous fantasy value last night. I emailed him before the game and asked if he could “take her easy tonight,” since I’m engaged in a tight fantasy battle right now, currently ahead by a slim 5-3-2 margin. As you might’ve inferred, Dexter is on the opposing team’s roster, and his recent base-swipes and homers are contributing to 2/3 categories in which I’m losing. In any event, Fowler obliged, but still showcased his otherworldly abilities by stealing a homerun from a Adrian Gonzalez. After the game, Gonzalez shaved Fowler's #24 into his goatee. You know, to pay homage. (That's oh-maj).

Fowler was also plunked by a pitch in the top of the 2^nd, a non-event in Fowler’s world since, as we’ve noted several times, Fowler feels no pain. Interesting to note, though, that Fowler has now been beaned 3 times in just under 100 at-bats. He recorded 0 HBPs all of last season. Either pitchers are trying to keep him off-balance, or the baseballs themselves are scared shitless of getting tagged by Fowler’s bat. Either way, this bodes well for his ability to get on base and score runs, and also for building his endurance for off-night games of wall-ball (or “suey,” as we call it here in Philly).

Fowler Makes Stallone and Van Damme Look Truly Expendable

Fowler’s 1 for 4 night included a run and stolen base, his fourth of the season. 

Spin:

Intimidated by Fowler’s imminent All-Star season, the Los Angeles Dodgers used their foreign connections to contact Capcom who subsequently loaned the Dodgers mixed martial arts master Ryu, better known as the dude who yells indecipherable shit while hurling balls of universe force at his opponent. This troubled Fowler not, as he dressed up in his Balrog-best and rose from the dugout still clearly inspired by Rocky II but now also inspired by Jean Claude Van Damme who was spotted in the stands calling himself Guile, and using a dictionary to explain to others why that name never made sense for the character he played. Over the course of several innings, Fowler and Ryu collided in one catastrophic universe explosion whose footage rights were quickly purchased by Trojan. As the explosion settled and the debris cleared, Dexter Fowler was seen laying in bed next to the base he stole, smoking a non-filtered Lucky Strike, and watching Bloodsport while injecting himself with pain he doesn’t feel.

Fowler Finds Inspiration in Rocky II

Fowler punished the Dodgers last night, going 2 for 3 with a homer and 2 RBIs.

Spin: With Troy Tulowitzki given the night off to rest an ailing shoulder, Fowler led off the game with a homerun. For those of you that don't speak Dexterish, that was Fowler's way of saying, "Take note, Dwight Howard. Real men step up when their team's superstar is out."

Fowler's smash was his 8th of the year, but just his first from the right side of the plate. Before the game, teammates reported seeing Fowler watching tape of Rocky II, in which Rocky feigns Apollo Creed by initially fighting right-handed before switching back to his natural southpaw style. If you're not understanding the analogy, hop on your Netflix account and rent the damn movie. Ted Lilly is the closest thing to a doppelganger that Carl Weathers will ever see.

Fowler Prevented From Ever Entering Record Books

Facing a lefty pitcher in Patrick Corbin, the left-handed hitting Fowler managed to post a 1 for 4 day with a run and an RBI.

Spin:

While some may think it odd for Fowler to be in the lineup against a left-handed pitcher, it's due to the fact that those people are probably dead. Anyone who knows Dexter Fowler is everyone, and so only dead people are culprits of being unaware that he defies the need for statistical research. In fact, it was even formally announced by Major League Baseball earlier this week that they will stop keeping track of his stats altogether under the premise that it is "an egregious waste of time to extrapolate numbers out of something that exists beyond numbers." This comes on the heels of the report that prior to the season, new Rockies manager Walt Weiss had 162 lineup cards custom-printed with Fowler's already on them not so much because Weiss is a lazy fat ass, but because he's simply playing the percentages. Because when you play Dexter Fowler, you're playing the percentages.

All-Star Watch:

Fowler is currently the 13th ranked player in all of baseball, and the 3rd ranked outfielder in the National League.

Broncos Select Fowler in 7th Round of NFL Draft

Fowler notched another double in a 1 for 2 outing against the D-Backs. He also scored a run and racked up 3 walks, raising his OBP to a staggering .404.

Spin: Fowler's OBP is 19th-best in the Majors right now, and it's that type of dominance that probably led John Elway to select him with Broncos' 7th round selection. "F--- Peyton Manning," Elway, the Broncos' GM, was quoted as saying. "Fowler is a real American. I'm saying this with my eerie, All-American smile, goddamnit."

Fowler was quoted after the game as saying that he was looking for walks to save his legs for the upcoming Broncos' mini-camps.

Extra Spin: If you think Elway selected purely on athletic ability, you're beginning to understand just how much of a berserker Fowler is. You're also missing the business side of this: Elway is worried that Fowler's continued peacocking in MLB will undercut Broncos' ticket sales in the Fall, just like Elway himself undercut the Packers' defense.

Fowler Uses Props To Get Props

Fowler had another solid night, going 2 for 5 and scoring a run.

Spin:

After going a Tony Gwynn 1 for 3 the night before, Fowler decided to scrap the fat suit, plug Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen head on the end of his bat, and go a Ted Williams 2 for 5. Fortunately for the Williams family, Fowler kept the ball on the sweet spot of the bat, sparing Ted's frozen head from shattering into pieces at the hands of a 90mph fastball. It should be noted that the extra props Fowler has been using in the past two games in order to channel the greatest hitters in history does nothing to undermine his own ability. Think of Fowler's props more as paying homage, as it is clear that if he channeled Adam Dunn or Dan Uggla by going up to the plate without a bat at all, he'd still manage to collect a hit or two by self-regulating his behavior and swatting away with an invisible hand.

Flakes Of Rake Shower Upon Fowler's Two RBI

Another solid game against the Braves for Fowler, he went 2 for 5 with 2 RBI and a walk.

Spin:

After raking in Tuesday’s doubleheader, Fowler drove immediately to Home Depot following the game in order to buy a rake.  Rather than keeping it on a metaphorical level, he took said rake home, broke off the handle, and secured both ends into the industrial-sized lathe he keeps in his bedroom.  Fowler worked through the night, his bedroom being sprinkled by flakes of rake, which emitted a very soft wood smell.  The smell of Fowler’s bedroom is unimportant.  What is important is that Fowler carved a bat out of a fucking rake and then used that bat to literally rake a single and double in his game the following day.  The two baserunners who scored on his hits were rewarded with an up-close look at Fowler’s new rake bat.