FowlerBalls Visits Fowler at Nats Park, Captures Harper's Ghost

With FowlerBalls' support from the stands, Fowler got back on All-Star track Sunday against the Nats by going 2 for 4 with two runs scored.

Spin:

FowlerBalls was not the only presence in the stands on Sunday. With photographic proof, Bryce Harper's ghost was seen lurking ominously in centerfield as Fowler stood with his head bowed in meditative thought. Upon noticing this, members of FowlerBalls launched in action, drinking no less than ten beers apiece in order to reach a wavelength drunk enough to make communication with spirits actually possible (hence the reason liquor is also referred to as spirits). Once sufficiently belligerent, members of FowlerBalls confronted the ghost hovering over Fowler...

FowlerBalls:  We are the members of FowlerBalls and we demand to know the purpose of your presence! 

Ghost:  I am here to destroy Dexter Fowler so that he never gets the attention that he truly deserves.

FowlerBalls:  This will be impossible, Ghost, because we know who to call!  

Ghost (upon realizing):  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Right at that moment, Ray Parker Jr.'s classic theme song blasted over the loudspeakers as the Ghostbusters burst onto the scene donning Dexter Fowler jerseys and proton packs. Multiple streams struck Bryce Harper's ghost sending it into frighteningly fitful seizures until a trap was opened and the ghost was sent shrieking into permanent containment.

With Bryce Harper's ghost now writhing alongside the likes of Slimer, Gozer, and Zuul, Dexter Fowler will be free to be the ghostbuster that he is by going on a hitting binge that will show the world that Dexter Fowler is FOR REAL.  

Stamp that, bitch. 

Vote For Change Tour Revives, Plays In Support of Fowler

Fowler rested his banged up hand on Tuesday night, but the game against the Blue Jays was played anyhow.

Spin:

In unforeseen but quite felicitous news, an announcement hit the streets on early Tuesday afternoon informing the public that the Vote For Change Tour has been reignited due to "the outrageous injustice being done - probably by the GOP - to Dexter Fowler with regards to the lack of All-Star votes he has received." Several tour dates across the country have already been released with the likes of Pearl Jam, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews Band, and a temporarily reunited R.E.M. filling most of the bills. "This feels like 2004 all over again. Voting was a sham and Scott Weiland was kicked out of STP," Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder remarked. Fowler, who remains absent from the top 15 vote-getters among NL Outfielders even though he ranks #7 statistically, was very touched by the support shown by such esteemed bands. "Personally, I'd rather go to one of these shows than to the All-Star game," Fowler stated. "Um ... Shin-Soo Choo and Gregor Blanco ... or Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen?"

The Vote For Change Revival Tour could have further repercussions as their final tour date coincides with the All-Star Game itself. This date, however, will only be played if the National League fails to place Fowler on its roster. But should this blatant iniquity somehow occur, the final tour date could drill a message straight into the heart of Major League baseball when fans bail on the All-Star game because they would rather witness a surprise appearance by Neil Young than see Marco Scutaro field a ground ball. 

Deceptive Dexter Deftly Deceives Canadian Customs

Fowler had a rough night at the plate, going 0 for 3 against a strong outing by Josh Johnson.

Spin: Fowler’s average dipped under .300 once again, but stands at an admirable .298. Still, he’s hitting .375 in his last 10 games and is due for a power surge, so expect him to bounce back tonight. Besides, his struggles at the plate can be traced to his troubles passing through customs in Canada. When asked, “Do you have anything to declare?” Fowler responded by borrowing a line from one of his favorite playwrights, Oscar Wilde. “I have nothing to declare except the 8 hits--2 doubles, 4 singles, and a triple--that I will have during this series against your Blue Jays,” said Dexter. Customs officials promptly confiscated his hits and the satchel of American bacon he had hidden under them, but Dexter had the last laugh. You see, it’s widely known that Canadians can’t count or spell well, so they failed to realize that Dexter neglected to declare 1 of his 8 hits--the homer that he will smash into the upper deck of the Rogers Centre (Center) tonight.

Fowler Patches Up Crack In Liberty Bell

Currently day-to-day from being hit on the hand by Ross Detweiler, Fowler did not play on Saturday against the Phillies and is likely to be out for Sunday's afternoon game as well.

Spin:

On a bright, blue-skied Saturday, the ever judicious Dexter Fowler elected to use his recovery time for the betterment of our great nation's first capital, Philadelphia. No, he did not use it to lay more cobblestone although that certainly was one of his top options. Instead, he chose to pluck his welding helmet and torch off his workbench in order to set about righting a bell that has been busted longer than Rocky's face. Donning none other than his Dickies work clothes, Fowler worked through the afternoon enduring heat not in the form of sun, but in the form of slurs, insults, and personal affronts which served to incorporate him into Philadelphia's brotherly love culture. Upon mending the Liberty Bell so that it rung for only the second time in its crappy-made history, Fowler was celebrated across Philadelphia by having beers thrown on him, being showered with self-induced projectile vomit, and being pegged multiple times by snowballs even though it's the month of June. Philadelphia held true to their reputation of brotherly love, an often times misunderstood term, when a fellow who was not from Philadelphia began slandering Fowler.  In a protective rage, Philadelphians knocked the fellow's balls up into his mouth while confrontationally informing him that, "YO - BUDDY - only wer allowed ta give Fowls a hard time. Not no outsiders like youze, chief." Through that endorsement, Fowler became initiated as an official brother of the great city of Philadelphia in that nobody but Philadelphia is allowed to abuse him.

And if you're wondering how Dexter Fowler was in Philadelphia when the Rockies/Phillies game was being played in Colorado, it's because Dexter Fowler is everywhere at once. You should already know that.

Fowler Victim Of Conspiracy

After hitting a double and scoring a run, Fowler was drilled in the hand by Ross Detweiler, a pitcher for the Nationals who was acting only out of coercion.

Spin:

The bus that is Bryce Harper struck Fowler again on Thursday, this time in the form of rocket to the hand as he was attempting to bunt, which is another way of saying "sacrifice his life for democracy." Parts of the rocket were later recovered and revealed a hammer and sickle etched into various sections. This led authorities to deduce two things. One, the Soviet Union is still alive and still without food. Two, the Soviet Union wants to neutralize Dexter Fowler. But what the Soviet Union's intel failed to produce prior to Operation Fuck-up Fowler was that Fowler is actually bionic - part man, part super-being. This failure can only be because the Soviet Union does not read FowlerBalls. And so their shameful exercise on Thursday was nothing more than a reminder that Dexter Fowler has the capability of catching rockets with his bare hand.

The disappearance of Roger Clemens was later reported.

Fowler Reveals New At-Bat Song By Up-and-Coming Rap Artist

A 1 for 4 night with a walk and a run scored maintained Fowler's pace as the 4th ranked Outfielder in the National League.

Spin:

On Tuesday night Dexter Fowler strolled to the plate with his usual swag but to an unusual song. While most Rockies fans were expecting to hear Big Sean's "Guap" reverberate from the stadium speakers, they were treated to the unannounced revealing of Fowler's new at-bat song: "Fowler on the Prowler" by Trevor Bauer. Apparently on his off day, Fowler was contacted by Cleveland's future stud pitcher, Trevor Bauer, who beseechingly asked Fowler if he could write a rap song about "the one hitter in baseball who I unequivocally fear." Okay, so Bauer didn't quite use the word unequivocally because he probably doesn't even know that word exists. However, lines in his new rap song lionizing Fowler did include such words as:

"Fowler would crush me like a crash test dummy"

"Fowler would house me which would arouse me"

and other lines that bear Bauer's trademark of awkwardly trying to fit too many words into one line:

"Fowler's like a Plymouth Prowler hitting the gas on fastballs thrown by me Trevor Bauer"

As for the crowd's reaction to Fowler's new entrance song, it was favorable if not downright raucous. Trevor Bauer rocked Coors Field from the speakers rather than the mound, which means that Dexter Fowler could very well soon be credited with changing up the career path of the promising young pitcher who may decide to pursue a rap career instead. Because Dexter Fowler's change-up doesn't alter speed, it alters life.

Fowler Imitates Kid Imitating Dexter Fowler Hitting Walk-Off Single, Hits Actual Walk-Off Single

Fowler posted another monstrosity of a line with a 4 for 6 afternoon at Coors Field that included three runs, one RBI, a stolen base, and the walk-off hit in the bottom of the tenth inning.

Spin:

After having scored the game-tying run in the bottom of the ninth inning, Dexter Fowler strode to the plate in the bottom of the tenth inning carrying his yellow plastic bat that was duct taped around the top - ostensibly where the bat had to be reattached after a saw cut into it so that it could be properly corked with newspaper. Ghost runners were confirmed to be on first and third. Two out.

"Okay guys, I'm Dexter Fowler," Fowler shouted as he got into the batter's box.

"Uhhh ... yeah, we know," San Diego catcher, Nick Hundley, rejoined slightly miffed.

"How? Does my batting stance look that much like him?" asked Fowler.

"Like who?" Hundley replied.

"Like Dexter Fowler!" Fowler exclaimed, the answer obvious to him.

"What?"

"How did you already know that I'm being Dexter Fowler? Does it look like my stance is so much like his that you could tell that I'm being Dexter Fowler?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I knew you'd know! I knew I could do his stance better than anyone!"

"What. The. Fuck. Man."

"Yeeaaah ... I knew it," Fowler said mostly to himself with a hearty smile as he rocked back and forth in his stance awaiting the pitch.

With a 1-1 count, the pitch came in and ... Crack! Fowler struck a sharp base-hit back through the middle, scoring the winning ghost runner from third base. Upon rounding first base, Fowler leapt in the air exclaiming "Fowler wins the game! Fowler wins the game! The fans go wild! Fow-ler! Fow-ler! Fow-ler!"

Because when kids imitate Dexter Fowler in the backyard, Dexter Fowler then imitates those kids in Major League baseball games.

Fowler Ill After Too Much Awesome

Fowler was held out of Wednesday's game with an illness, but for some reason batted in the 9th inning when the game was 12-4. He struck out swinging.

Spin:

After going on such a tear as of late and launching himself into the top 5 National League outfielders even though current All-Star voting doesn't even place him in the top 15, Fowler began vomiting up all the Awesome he's been producing prior to Wednesday's game. Awesome, known as a substance far more potent than cocaine laced with cans of spinach, is not something one can consume but is simply something that one is. And Dexter Fowler is. Awesome.

The exorbitant amounts of Awesome Fowler's body produces, however, can at times be too great even for Dexter Fowler to handle. This creates a sort of impossible dichotomy that the universe is so apt to display once it reaches excessive degrees of extremity and can only lead one to ponder: How can Fowler be greater than Awesome but Awesome also be greater than Fowler?

But there, in the ninth inning and in spite of his illness, strode to the plate: Dexter Fowler. With a bucket in hand which he set beside the batter's box, he proceeded to strike out while in the throes of violently heaving into the bucket all the Awesome his body is producing. After his at-bat, he then drank the entire bucket of thrown up Awesome.

This was greater than Awesome. Proving that Dexter Fowler does, in fact, produce more Awesome than Awesome actually exists.  

Fowler Goes Greek

Fowler plated a run in the Rockies’ win against the Reds, going 1 for 4 with a strikeout.

Spin: Fowler has been hot at the plate in his last 10 games, batting .351 while limiting his strikeouts to just 5 in those 37 at-bats. It seems to suggest he’s made an adjustment at the plate--good news for fantasy owners, but bad news for pitchers in the National League. Reds’ starting pitcher Homer Bailey got even more bad news from Fowler when he found this note taped to his locker after the game:

Dear Homer,

Your nickname is also the nickname of my favorite cartoon character as well as my favorite Greek poet. Did you know that some believe he was blind? That’s ironic, isn’t it? Cause I thought the same thing about you when you threw me that fastball over the plate in the 2nd inning. Because anyone that throws Dexter a fastball over the plate with men on base must be blind.

Your pal,

Dex

Reds Destroy Their Own Fences, Force Fowler To Fly Out

Fowler went 0 for 4, flying out three times. Currently, his Player Rating ranks him as an All-Star participant.

SPIN:

After Sunday's S.W.A.T. team display in which Fowler swatted two homers like they were laser bullets off this bat, the Cincinnati Reds promptly contacted their local construction unions to have their ballpark's generous fences immediately blown up. However, the local construction unions emphatically refused the job because, if you remember, Fowler himself became a local union leader earlier this spring. This forced the Reds to stalk the dark Cincy streets at night in search of a hoodlum willing and able to take on the task. And who did they find huddled by a burn barrel down along the Ohio River? Chad Johnson. A man who now not simply will but has to do anything he can to still be a part of pro sports. And on late Sunday night/early Monday morning, Chad Johnson became a part of pro sports once again by taking a sledgehammer to the Great American Ball Park fences, demolishing them to prevent Dexter Fowler from hitting what would've been three home runs. In reaction to Johnson's actions, Fowler walked directly to the courthouse and officially changed his name to Dexter Veinticuatro.  

Matt Magill Unintentionally Antagonizes Fowler

Fowler had another majestic night at the plate, working 2 walks, scoring 2 runs, hitting 2 homeruns, and driving in 3 runs.

Spin: Fowler lead off the game with a homerun--a feat which irritated Dodgers' spot-starter Matt Magill. Magill then intentionally walked the hot-hitting Fowler, who is 8 for 18 in the last 3 games. That irritated Fowler. So when Magill again tried to intentionally walk Fowler in the 6th, Dexter would have none of it. Instead of idly taking the pitches, Fowler cued up a pitch that Magill left over the outer edge of the plate, and smashed it over the fence. It reminded us of this gem of a highlight.

If you decided to bench Fowler yesterday because there was no way he'd continue his hot streak, and instead you thought Vernon Wells would go deep while playing the Red Sox on national TV, you should get your head out of your ass and go to the minor leagues of life.

Fowler Hits Walk-Off Single, Keeps Running Directly To Oklahoma

In an ending made for heroes, Fowler hit a walk-off single in the bottom of the tenth inning, giving him a 2 for 6 day with a run, two RBI, and a stolen base.

Spin: One of the more electorally-modifying moments in baseball history occurred yesterday when Dexter Fowler prematurely ended a game in the tenth inning because "there are more pressing world issues that need to be attended to." With the game looking as if it would drag on, Fowler took matters into his own peremptory hands and singled home the winning run, thereby putting a cement stamp on the end of the game. Fowler, after hitting the walk-off single and rounding first, continued using those bird-like legs of his and galloped on out of the stadium and straight to Oklahoma while chanting to himself "there's no place like home." A rare misquote on his part--or was it? Always prone to adumbrate, Fowler proceeded to rebuild disaster-stricken Oklahoma with his bare hands, rebuild simply stricken Kansas with his bare hands, and then--with his bare hands--fuse the two states together. When officials wondered why he thought Oklahoma and Kansas should be one state, Fowler could not be reached for comment as he was already on his way back to Colorado, running with Forrest Gump thrown over his shoulder like a bag of chocolates.

Altruistic Fowler Helps Struggling Upton

Dexter had a handsome night at the plate, spraying 3 singles and scoring 2 runs in the Rockies' almost-epic-comeback-but-Rafael-Betancourt-once-again-blew-it loss to the Dodgers.

Spin: Some 1400 miles away, a struggling BJ Upton was once again left out of the Braves' starting lineup. Sensing this, the always-acuminous Fowler decided to help out. So he hit 3 singles instead of the previously-planned 2. You see, 2 hits would have been sufficient to elevate his batting average and maintain his contention for a starting spot in the All-Star Game, but Dexter went ahead and hit one more. He immediately mailed that single to BJ Upton, who was sitting on the bench contemplating why his younger brother has a better average, more homeruns, and a name without heavy sexual connotations. The single erected BJ's average from .145 to .150, which, assuming he can get 500 ABs, equates to about $200,000 per hit this season.