Fowler Tapped to be Next Pope

Fowler punished the Giants, going 4 for 5 and scoring a pair of runs.

Spin: Encoded in his 4 for 5 night was a subtle Biblical reference: Colossians 4:5, which reads, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity." Fowler, a God-fearing, God-loving, and god-like man, heeded the verse, and was immediately contacted by the Cardinals--the religious ones, not the ones from St. Louis--who were gauging his interest in taking over the papacy from Pope Francis, who no one has heard a damn thing about since we found out he used to ride the bus to work in Buenos Aires. A tentative Fowler was concerned about balancing his duties as leader of both a declining empire (Catholic Church) and a rising empire (Colorado Rockies). Nonetheless, he acquiesced when the Papal Conclave agreed to move the Vatican to Denver. White smoke erupted from the Vatican shortly after 11pm EST last night, signaling Fowler's election; Fowler immediately changed the official Papal smoke color from white to black.